1. |
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[instrumental]
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2. |
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How do I stay
Alive in a world that’s decayed?
I am a word
That sits like poison on the tongue
And I see
I wasn’t meant to be
And I fear
That there’s nothing more than what’s here
On a quiet street in New England
There sits a house with no one in it
Where my mother named me after a saint
Where I learned to live with all the pain
And if you take a long drive
On the roads that take you back home
You won’t see me
You won’t see me
But what you’ll see
Is another life, but it’s just a dream
There’s nothing but memories
It’s haunted with ghosts, but they’re not me
And I can’t wait to, wait to
Forget all the scars that bore me
All the fear and abuse
That was just another day back on South St.
But what you’ll see
Is another life, but it’s just a dream
There’s nothing but memories, memories
It’s haunted with ghosts, and they’re all me
And I can’t wait to, wait to
Hold onto the trauma that bore me
And I wonder why I’m so fucked up and lonely
It’s just another day right here on South St.
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3. |
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4AM, escape into the rain
Street lights passing by like everyone else has
Your hometown miles in the past
There’s nothing but the empty highway at last
And I can’t remember who I used to be
It’s hard to think when there’s two voices in your head
I’ll fall asleep at the wheel again
And keep wishing that car hadn’t stopped when it did
‘Cause maybe then I wouldn’t hurt the ones I love again
Yeah, maybe I’ll be a better body in the next life instead
How can I escape the past when it’s still here?
(There’s a fire in the sky today)
How can I let go of the pain that’s consumed me whole?
(There’s a highway that leads you away)
Where do I go now that home is a memory?
(There’s a house with no one in it)
Where do I go when nowhere feels safe anymore?
(There’s a body born from moonlight)
Where do I go when to feel safe again?
Where do I go when I hate myself this much?
I said, where do I go?
How do I let go?
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4. |
i will be my own demise
04:51
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Please don’t leave me, come haunt me instead
I can’t stand the way you look at me
I can’t see myself now
I can't see anything but you, now
I will hurt myself before your eyes
I will make you hate me as much as I hate myself
Please don’t haunt me, come with me instead and tell me
Tell me how she found your true name, yeah
A bottle of little green pills could
Cure you of your demons and stop you from drowning
You’re only eighteen and
You’ve already been through hell
Here comes the moonlight
It’s time to rid yourself of memories
Wait, don’t pick up the bottle like your father did
Don’t try to kill yourself like your mother did
A tab or pill might calm your head now
Another weekend passed out in bed
(Please haunt me)
(Please leave me)
She won’t love you the way you need her to
And she won’t fix you but she’ll lie and say you’re not broken
And you’ll try to erase your thoughts again
Yeah, you’ll try to overdose again
Now the medicine’s made you sick
You can’t remember what you did
The ambulance comes rushing
And you wake in a hospital bed
The television’s all static
And you hear yourself say:
“I will feel nothing”
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5. |
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[instrumental]
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6. |
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Don't you see, I thought you would fix me
I’m sorry, I wasn’t what you thought I’d be
Headlights still scare me
So does a garage door opening
I wish I was back in New England
Where I could pretend there was nothing wrong
I could build up, build up all my walls, all my walls
I would tell myself to remember the following:
You will cut yourself, cut yourself, find out that you’re manic-depressive
You’ll wonder if you’re borderline or if you’re really just something else
Manipulation suits you best
When you can excuse it with trauma
You will fall in love, fall in love with the idea of being sick
You will love yourself, love yourself when you’re unable to control it
You will drink yourself to sleep each night
You will black out on Klonopin
You will hurt yourself, hurt yourself, to make people stay with you
You will do anything to escape, you have to go home to your abusers
You will hate yourself, hate yourself when you start hurting the ones you love
You are nothing without your pain, you’ve lost yourself to the sickness
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7. |
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I will miss you when this starts all over again
My name may be different but my lungs are still the same
Now there’s bruises on my skin and machines that still run without you
I’ve been thinking lately about what it means to be a good person
I will miss you
I will become you
I’m sorry but I read your diary, I hope you can forgive me
As I forgive you, please know that it is true, that I loved you
We always kiss at red lights but that’s only ‘cause I took my hand off the wheel
Dying in a dream makes the nightmare of living seem okay
You were my favorite person
With every capital letter
Your mother’s so sorry, she knows how much she’s hurt you
But it will take some time before you’ll ever feel safe again, I’m sorry
Trauma begets trauma, we know that ‘cause we’ve watched it unfold before us
But I want to forget all that’s happened, yeah, I’d rather start something new
This house is decaying
A place I’ll never see
Put the fear of God inside my head like it used to rage inside my chest
But she’s here now so you can rest, hold on, we’ll try and do our best
I’ll cut out my tongue, so I will never speak again,
I will never speak again, I will never speak again
I can be the water in your lungs
I can be the one you leave behind
I will stare into the abyss, I will see what I’ve become
I will be nothing, I will be something
I will be nothing
I will be something
(Please don’t haunt me, please don’t leave me)
(Here comes the moonlight, sirens in the long dark night)
(You’re only eighteen and you’re already so sick)
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8. |
how to stay alive
07:00
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I am a liar
Waiting to pretend
I am okay and this means nothing
I won’t be back
I am a savior
She won’t love you the way you want her to
And he’s out back on the phone hearing them say you tried to die all alone
I am a single word
I am like a wound
(On the front of your wrist that just won’t seal up and stop)
Bleeding out, ‘cause you like to…
(‘Cause you like to cut your skin and cry for help)
A bottle of pills just might stop
(Stop you from wanting to kill yourself)
But it’s just another method for finding a way out
I am a liar, I am a savior
I am a liar, I won’t be back
I am a liar
(She thinks you’re the sun, but you can’t tell her the truth)
I am a savior
(You hate your body so you open it up)
I’ve been set on fire
(You weren’t meant to be born at all)
I am so tired
(Don’t listen to them, you’re already enough)
I’m not a liar
(Someday you’ll be able to tell them the truth)
(It won’t be long now, just one more night)
I’m not a savior
(Your body’s not broken, it just needs to be loved)
(It won’t be long now, don’t give up tonight)
I’m just doing the best that I can
(One day you’ll look back and wonder what you were so scared of)
(It won’t be long now, just hold on tight)
I promise I’ll be back
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9. |
the trees
02:22
|
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|
[instrumental]
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10. |
connecticut, my skin
07:21
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I see the ghosts in me
I am just scars on skin
No more medicine can make me forget
That my body, that my body’s sick
I am an accident
I want to go back again
I miss New England
In Connecticut
It was pills that made me perfect
It was love that made me sick
And family that kept me scared
And I miss the long drives
On dark highways
Where I’d stare at the headlights
Wishing it’d be my last sight
I am a specter haunting your head
One day it’ll all end
I miss New England
Do you know just how much I regret
Not telling you who I am?
Can you tell me just how much pain’s in the body?
Well I can, I can, I can
Yeah, God never liked us anyway
But there’s nothing left to say
Another dose of Klonopin
Will keep me from wanting to be dead
How can falling out of love
Seem so much like being abused?
I just want to go home again
Home again, home again
But we both know home is memory
A distant memory
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11. |
it's getting cold again
06:49
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The leaves are all changing to their autumn hues
And the medicine’s stopped working, but I’ve still pulled through
There’s memories of places that still haunt me at night
And bruises on a body that’s never felt right
It’s the quiet parts of the long good night that scare me the most
And it’s the weather changing that turns me into a ghost
There’s broken bones and blood that all spilled from my veins
There’s nothing new or different, it’s all just the same
It’s getting cold again
There are trees in New York that are frozen and bare
The only thing that's left is the cold winter air
I miss the long highways that take me back home
And the warm quiet forests that I used to roam
It’s getting cold again
Parking lots at 4 AM and empty suburb roads
There’s nothing left in that old house but dust and remorse
A few dead friends, some angry words, and some secrets that I kept
But nothing like the people I have loved that have left
It’s getting cold again
I’ll go down to the pharmacy and buy razor blades again
I’ll lay in front of headlights waiting to be struck in the rain
I’ll watch every subway car pass me like a dream
And maybe one day I can be sober and clean
I was told there was a God who would love me all the same
But it’s clear to me that I’m alone, and maybe I’m the one to blame
A lifetime of people has broken me like glass
But maybe you can fix me like no one else has
There’s nothing more I’d love than to have a body I don’t hate
Or a brain that isn’t sick and trying to die every day
But maybe there’s a reason it all happened this way
Maybe there’s a way to overcome all this pain
Another year has gone, yeah, and now it’s getting cold again
Maybe in another year I can forgive myself instead
It was a cold winter day when I almost killed myself
Yeah, well, maybe it’ll be sunny when I finally get some rest
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a glass box New York, New York
a glass box is delilah luna (she/her)
a glass box is an exploration of mental illness, trauma, queerness, the east coast, youth, and everything that life has given me and taken from me
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