1. |
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[instrumental]
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2. |
more than machinery
04:20
|
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|
another year gone by
you are more than machinery
you woke in a hospital bed with tubes in your wrist
and you knew you’d never feel safe again
i used to cut my skin so i could feel alive again
but now i feel nothing when my arms are red
subway stops flashing before your very eyes
like your entire life has passed you by
i can’t make you call me by name
just let me breathe ‘cause there is no pain like having a body
i can’t make you, make you call me by name
(i can hurt you, i can hurt you)
just tell me, tell me i’m the mistake that you made
(let me hurt you, let me hurt you)
it’s only day three and i’m already making promises
to kill myself before the year’s done
i can’t make you call me by name
just let me breathe ‘cause there is no pain like having a body
i can’t make you, make you call me by name
(i can hurt you, i can hurt you)
just tell me, tell me i’m the mistake that you made
(let me hurt you, let me hurt you)
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3. |
mostly a disaster
02:51
|
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|
you can’t hurt me
as long as i am
the first to cut my skin
the first to drown in my thoughts
i can show you
the way the sky falls
why can’t you fix me?
why can’t i kill myself?
you can’t hurt me
when i can hurt myself
you can’t drown me
if there’s no sea to swim
i miss the days
when no one knew me
slice myself wide open
and let the light pour out
i hope some day
i’ll feel nothing
i hope that it’ll feel
like falling out of love
you can’t hurt me
when i can hurt myself
you can’t kill me
if there’s no heaven to see
i am a heart that does not forgive the skin
will it always
be so lonely?
you’re just a victim
of my bad decisions
i can’t help it
when there’s two people
living in my brain
there’s always you
you can’t hurt me
when i can hurt myself
you can’t stop me
when i’m not scared to die
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4. |
daughter
03:36
|
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|
what did you expect to find?
what did you expect to find?
what were you looking for?
something to ease your troubled mind?
what did you feel that night?
call me by my name
what did you expect to find?
call me by…
what were you hoping for?
what were you hoping for?
a chance to say goodbye
to the son you never had?
what'd you feel that night?
(look me in the eyes)
did you feel like your child died?
(look at me and tell me i’m gone)
leave me in that hotel room
(what did you feel that night?) / (look me in the eyes)
to wonder why you couldn’t love me
(what did you feel that night?) / (look at me and tell me i'm gone)
will you wait?
will you stay?
(meet your daughter for the first time)
just pretend i exist
and call me by my name
|
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5. |
blood sugar
05:15
|
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|
i will
tell you
your heart’s still bleeding
won’t you
tell me
my body’s still brave?
i’ve lost it again
but it’s still brave
my body...
how do
you start,
start fixing yourself?
you too
will bore me
i’m so scared again
let’s talk about recovery
my body will be brave
i will be me again
my body is sick again
i don’t know how to ask for help
i can tell you my heart still bleeds
i will ask you if you’re still sweet
i can’t thank my body enough for all it’s done
i will tell it “you’re so sweet”
my body’s brave again
i will tell it “you’re so sweet"
but why am i so scared to die?
you will tell me “you’re so sweet"
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6. |
why do they hate us?
05:29
|
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|
i can’t stand the way you look at me
your eyes tell me that i shouldn’t exist
what do you do when your friends are all dead?
what do you do when you know you might be next?
do you learn to love your body? drown in a lake?
or maybe sell yourself?
you are wound that will never close
you can’t feel your body anymore
half a person, half but whole, no one will tell you the toll of
always looking over your shoulder
dissociate, dysphoria, your body, your brain
are all still brave
you’re still brave
you’re still here
you’re still here
despite transphobia
you’re still here
despite violence
i have overcome
everything you taught me
like how to hate myself
or how to cut my skin
you’re still here
despite everything you’ve been through
you’re still here
despite everything they taught you
you’re still here
you got to keep on trying
you’re still here
you’re still here
when i close my eyes i still see the headlights on the car that almost took my life, or the time i OD’d on klonopin. i'm still scared that i’ll drink myself to death one day, or i’ll give into all of the hate - why do they hate us, why do they want to hurt us? i just want to live my life and love myself and all of my friends and all of the dead.
when nobody loves you
how could they ever love something like you?
when nobody loves you
how could they ever love you?
you hold yourself and you take a breath
you tell your skin you’re sorry
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7. |
dissociate
06:06
|
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|
i can’t be the person you want me to be
come and see, dissociate with me
i wish we could go back to the days when no one knew who we were
my body’s not something i want to see, at least not without you
---
i wish i could be who i used to be
my body doesn’t belong to me
i just want to feel at home again
i just want to feel complete again
i’ll cut out my tongue so you’ll never have to hear from me again, yet i’m feeling strangely fine, but that’s because I know I’m empty inside. so go ahead and tell me all the secrets that you’ve ever kept, 'cause it won’t matter when i know how this usually all ends. my body has never really felt like my own, but that’s okay because i’ve never really tried connect with it. so come with me and tell me it’s okay - that it doesn’t really matter ‘cause we all feel this way.
so come with me, dissociate with me
(i will wait for you)
|
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8. |
edit your appearance
04:06
|
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|
haunt me
my body
it’s too late
to change yourself
always self-aware
scared of violence to come
poison
in your blood
haunt me
before it’s too late
teach me
to love myself
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9. |
annihilation anxiety
06:54
|
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|
my heart is filled with smoke
my lungs will drown in your tears
i'll see you again
on the other side, we’ll meet my friends
i’ll see you again
and i’ll leave you again, my love
i can’t tell you apart from myself
the homes we built for ourselves were burned to dust
i’ll see you again
and i’ll miss you again, my love
i wish i could see you again
it’s too late, ‘cause we’re all dead
again, i’ll see you in another life
again, my friends
---
(i wasn’t meant to be born at all)
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10. |
breathe
04:54
|
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|
i see ghosts and i can’t breathe
and i hate this body that’s broken, but it’s still brave
i wish i could escape all that i've become
but you’ll see what you've done to me
i’ll see you again
i will breathe again, as hopeless as i am
i wish that i could go back home again
'cause this isn’t home
and i’d hoped that i'd see you again
and i wish that you’d tell your skin you’re sorry
and i can’t breathe, i can’t even see
i can’t see past the static and all the noise
and i will be another me
i can’t be who you wanted me to be
i can’t see what that noise is in the corner of my eye
i will be me, you’ll see
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11. |
||||
|
i can't save you
so why save me?
|
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a glass box New York, New York
a glass box is delilah luna (she/her)
a glass box is an exploration of mental illness, trauma, queerness, the east coast, youth, and everything that life has given me and taken from me
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